Now that I’m thinking about quitting my job – which I used to love until new girl came along that I just can’t stand – I can’t stop. Just envisioning being free – even though I’m completely broke – makes me feel so good. The only thing that kept me at this low paying job was that I loved the atmosphere and it was super chill and I thought I could learn about the art world. But this new girl loves drama, hates me and the boss loves her sooooo it really leaves me with no other option especially since I can get better pay elsewhere. We tried to have a conflict resolution but it ended up just being the girl telling me how I’m the worst person she’s ever had to work with.
People say I should have another job lined up before I quit. I don’t know that I will. I want some free time before just giving my life away again to help someone else make a shitload of money while being paid next to nothing. In fact, I’m tempted to just get in my van and drive across country and back again, while doing my remote part time job for gas money and picking up small jobs along the way for food. It’s a terrifying thought but I can’t shake it either. I mean, I literally have NOTHING holding me from doing that (minus the money but that’s always something you can get anywhere if you’re willing to work). No kids, pets, mortgage, significant other, etc.
I did that last year and it didn’t end well but I got to travel. I saw some video of Steven Spielberg telling some university they should listen to that whispering inside of them which tells them their path. What if having this extremely unpredictable life is my path? I’ve always loved writing and photography. Maybe with the combination of adventure and brushing up on my skills in those two departments will make for a bit more happiness. And I DID learn many a lesson on how NOT to do certain things which should help me avoid the costly mistakes again.
I’m trying not to listen to that voice that tells me I’m useless and worthless and just embrace life but this heavy depression that’s come over me is hard to just push aside. But sometimes that exhaustion and unhappiness is a huge sign that maybe you’re not doing the things you SHOULD be doing and so are creating your own unhappiness. The only way I know of seeing if that’s true is to shake shit up. Just spontaneously picking up and moving is something I’ve done a lot. There’s more comfort in that then staying somewhere for long periods of time.
I hesitate to even call it escaping because, I KNOW that you can’t escape yourself through travel. I thought I could at some point but wherever you go, there you are. So getting up and going – if I DO do this – is just me choosing a different lifestyle completely. One fraught with risks but some amazing views and payoffs.
Oh man, decisions decisions…